Drifting
by CandyAppleRed
Summary: Rachel reflects on Noah’s life during his funeral.


A/N: I haven't posted on this site in a long time because I started posting my stuff on message boards. So I'm sorry if I screw up the uploading thing because it's way over my head. Anyway, read and review! This thing should be about 4-5 chapters. So, on with it...

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**Chapter 1 - Perfect**

> Hate is an emotion that many people, on a daily basis, believe they feel. Yet true hate, in it's purest form, is hard to come by. True hate is an emotion you reserve for someone who tries to kill you and your child for doing nothing wrong. It's an emotion you feel towards the person who takes your only niece away before her 18th birthday, and towards the person who murders your lover. And despite what she thought she felt years ago, if Rachel Keller ever thought she hated Noah Clay, then she was seriously mistaken.  
  
Rachel turned of the engine of her car, and leaned back in her chair to take the sight in before her. The church was perfect. Just like she expected it to be. Noah's mother was an interior decorator, and her coworkers combined their efforts to give their friend the picture perfect funeral for her only child. Noah's mother loved things to be picture perfect. The day she met Rachel, she commented on how perfect they looked together. But looks can be deceiving. In reality, their past relationship was mocked by perfection. If "perfect" meant often dysfunctional and emotionally abusive, then Noah and Rachel were a very, very perfect couple.  
  
Yet, the understanding she felt towards him now was... so much had changed. Rachel shut her eyes, willing away the familiar sting of fresh tears. She couldn't think of the past now. She glanced into the review mirror, and saw her son staring back at her with his too-often-solemn dark eyes. She locked eye contact with him for a second, but the pain she saw there was too much. She tore her eyes away and pretended to be distracted by unfastening her seatbelt and getting out of the car. Aidan followed suit.  
  
"Make sure you don't crush those flowers." Rachel mechanically advised her son. But it was pointless to do so. Aidan had picked them out himself for his father and was treating them as if they were made of finely spun gold. He wanted to give his father something perfect, but nothing could make up for the time they missed together. Together, Rachel and Aidan walked hand in hand into the church, where others were slowly congregating in groups. Feeling his hand in hers, reminded her of the first time she had held it.  
  
**Flashback  
**  
_ He seemed so perfect. Everything about him, from his soft golden brown hair to his tiny wrinkled toes, was exactly the way she had imagined it and more. Nothing was out of place, and every part of her was in love with this new little person. Rachel was sure that, if she was selfish enough, Aidan could be on the cover of every parenting magazine on the rack. People would walk by and marvel at the perfection that was her little prince.  
  
Except everything wasn't perfect. Even before his birth, Aidan's life was been destined to be hard. He had been disowned, shunned, by a hopeless father who was too immature to grasp hold of his life and take care of what was his. And now this man stood across the room from them, daring to over step his self-made boundaries. He mirrored and magnified the body of the little boy in her arms. The bright florescent lights of the hospital room made the bags under his eyes look even more pronounced then they had been the previous months. He gripped a small blue elephant by the neck with his left hand. His right hand ran through his hair and around his neck, ruffling his freshly showered hair into a slightly tangled mess.  
  
"I... uh... wanted to drop this off. It's, um, for..." Noah pointed to the little sleeping form in Rachel's arms. His gaze was fixated on the blue cap that covered the infant's tiny head. "Him... it's a 'him', right?"  
  
"Yes, Noah. He is a 'him'. And 'his' name is Aidan Michael... just like we decided." Rachel answered. Her tone was not the happy, gentle tone she used when people stopped by to see baby Aidan. Instead, she made sure her words fed her ex every single ounce of loathe and disgust that she felt for him.  
  
Even though she had had made no direct accusations, Noah wanted to through her something back, something to defend his actions and put his conscience at ease. But his mind came up with nothing. Nothing could ever express the heavy guilt he was only just beginning to feel for making the decision he did. Part of him, in his heart, wanted to move into the room and get a closer look at what he was giving up, but his brain told him not to do so. It would be best for everyone, especially the tiny baby, if he just left now.  
  
And so, after pausing only for a second to place the toy on a nearby chair, he left. Rachel felt her heart being ripped out of her chest as she watched the man she so unfortunately still loved, walk out of her life. Again.  
  
_----------------------------  
  
I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny  
  
That I can make or break it if I choose  
  
But you take my words and twist them 'round  
  
Til I'm the one who brings you down  
  
Me me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this... 
> 
> _- Perfect Girl by Sarah McLachlan_


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